Better than Mel Kiper's

[airraid81]

1.) Houston Texans
A box of Trojans-Why go for one Trojan (Reggie Bush) when you can get
a lot more? They need the protection. Plus, they can trade one to Atlanta
where QB Ron Mexico so desperately needs them.

2.) New Orleans Saints
Former FEMA Director Michael Brown-He did nothing as Hurricane
Katrina came after New Orleans, so he’s already accomplished more than
most of their past draft picks.

3.) Tennessee Titans
Dr. Phil-“Now, what is the problem, Steve?” McNair said he didn’t want
to tutor a rookie quarterback, and he insisted that he wouldn’t consider
renegotiating his overpaying contract. 22 starts in the past two years for
just 4 more TDs than picks and an average QB rating of 77.8. Come on,
Steve. You know you aren’t that good anymore.

4.) New York Jets
Jovon Bouknight, WR, Wyoming-Chad Pennington can’t throw much
further than five yards, and he takes no less than 5 minutes to release the
ball once he’s locked on, so why not go with Bouknight, the slowest wide
receiver in the draft? With a forty-yard dash time of 4.75, he might still
be within Penny’s range by the time he throws the pass.

5.) Green Bay Packers
Jack Abramoff -He can lobby the NFL to change every reference to
“touchdown” in the NFL Constitution to “interception.”

6.) San Francisco 49ers
A tight end might help, so… They should trade this pick to Isiah
Thomas’ Knicks for an NBA draft pick that can be used to pick a big man
and convert him to tight end.

7.) Oakland Raiders
Now-Convicted RB Loren Wade -Arrested for murder in 2005, former
Arizona State RB Wade is now eligible for the draft. Considering his
personal problems, he is a perfect fit for the Raiders. At the combine, he
was clocked at 4.43 in the forty, 6.91 in the seven-cone drill, and 0.08 in
the gun-grab.

8.) Buffalo Bills
Gjdlouoekk Zwisndkel-It’s a lot easier to pronounce than Oregon tackle
Haloti Ngati who they could have picked.


9.) Detroit Lions
Santonio Holmes, WR, Ohio State-They don’t have enough receivers do
they?

10.) Arizona Cardinals
Albert Einstein-Maybe he can construct a formula that illustrates why
they still can’t score a touchdown even after signing Edge.

11.) St. Louis Rams
Butch Davis-He can be their coaching controversy for this year.

12.) Cleveland Browns
Injured LB Bobby Carpenter-He’s already injured, so the Clowns could
have spared their fans the disappointment.


13.) Baltimore Ravens
Trade a few bags of the pot that Jamal Lewis was convicted of selling to
Ricky Williams in exchange for his services sitting out for the season.

14.) Philadelphia Eagles
San Fran mayor Gavin Newsom-He was the man letting gays marry in
the Rainbow City. I’m not saying that Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb
look and smell like rats, but T.O. is.

15.) Denver Broncos
Trade this pick to Cleveland for Orpheous Roye. That’ll give them the
final piece of Cleveland’s 2004 defensive line.

16.) Miami Dolphins
A box of Moss seed-With Culpepper at quarterback, you know why they
need it.

17.) Minnesota Vikings
Marcus Vick, QB, VT-With Moss and Culpepper departing in the past two
years respectively, they are actually on the right track toward having a
respectable team. Vick should help delay them there.

18.) Dallas Cowboys
Jerry Springer-In case a certain wide receiver calls a certain quarterback
“gay”...

19.) San Diego Chargers
John Thompson, Chiropractor-Maybe he can perform surgery to give
Marty Schottenheimer a spine.

20.) Kansas City Chiefs
Jesus Christ-In Priest’s (Priest Holmes) latest sermon, he should have
called for J.C. to heel his injured leg. AMEN!

21.) New England Patriots
Laurence Maroney, RB, Minnesota-What can I say? New England makes
good picks.

22.) Denver Broncos
Cedric Humes, RB, VT-He ran a 4.73 forty yard dash at the combine, so
he should fit right in to Mike Shanahan’s running back philosophy.

23.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Phil Simms’ Lawyer-Last year when broadcaster Steve Young said Phil’s
son Chris, Buccs QB, didn’t have what he needed to win, you could see
the rage fill the elder Simms’ eyes as he delivered a heated response
questioning Young’s football knowledge. Now it’s time to sue.

24.) Cincinnati Bengals
“Doctor” Jon Barron-Look him up in the Amazon.com product search,
and you’ll find his name on the book Lessons From a Miracle Doctor.
They might need him if they want Carson to play.


25.) New York Giants
An autographed loaf of bread-If you saw Peyton Manning’s VISA
commercials, you would see that Giants QB Eli Manning really wants it.

26.) Chicago Bears
An Ambulance-to follow Rex Grossman around.

27.) Carolina Panthers
QB Lienart-They will need two QBs to keep “Me-Shaun” Johnson
satisfied.

28.) Jacksonville Jaguars
Mapquest.com Membership-This might help them find their way into the
end zone. Last season, Tony Reali’s scoring percentage inside the bed
zone was higher than the Jags percentage inside the Red Zone.

29.) Atlanta Falcons (acquired in trade after Isiah Thomas traded the Niners pick to the Jets then the Jets packaged that and traded it to the Falcons...)
Michael Moore-An elephant never forgets, but Michael Vick sure does.
Maybe Moore can help Vick remember the playbook.

30.) Indianapolis Colts
Vince Young, QB, Texas-He got a 6-out-of-50 on his Wonderlic test,
which means he probably can’t read this article, let alone an NFL defense.
Why pick him then? The key attribute is that he passed the Combine
physical problem free. Most importantly, he didn’t have any food stuck in
his throat.

31.) Seattle Seahawks
A box of tissues-Ever since the Super Bowl, they’ve been going through
them at a startling pace, and the rumors from league insiders kept
getting louder that the draft is indeed the way they will go to replenish
their supply.

32.) Pittsburgh Steelers
Lee Harvey Oswald-After losing Kimo von Oelhoffen, to free agency, the
Steelers need a new Assassin.